When I look back at my socializing through childhood and youth I am appalled. Completely.
Till 5th class I lived in my own world. Oblivious to social perceptions. I was given a double promotion from 1st to 3rd class, and I never coped with that jump. From first in class I retreated to last in class. And lived in my world of stories and story books and dreams. Happily.
And then the age of innocence ended.
From 6th onwards, and after a change of school, I was also in the game of marks and ranks. With everyone else. Trying to do well. Comparing. Coming first in class was an end in itself. Low marks was an end.
Feeling smarter than some. Feeling dumber than some. Losing myself. Into the norms defined by a killer society.
Through school it worsened. When I didnt get into IIT it meant I was useless. Worthless. There were those who got in and were Heros and Heroines.
When I got into IISc later it was a validation. I did not realize that that I was simply getting more trapped into dancing to the tunes of society. Like a monkey.
What saved me was a persistent concern. Against the imbalances, against the poverty. A deep inner revolt against all this that was there since early teens.
Which took me out of this race I was in. To a village. Wise. Compassionate. Where I saw in their greatness and simplicity, the shallowness of my being. Again and again.
And where the true heroes of this land live. Work. Sustain this land with their sweat. With simple generosity.
Which showed me starkly. How much damage in the urban world we inflict. On ourselves first. And then on all others. Driving deeper this malaise of comparing. Of feeling winners and losers. Unaware that both the winner and the loser lose. Their souls.
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